Yep. I said it. Men don’t care about women. If they did society would not be in the ridiculous state that it is in. Men are fully capable of being in a relationship with a women or women and not give a damn about the plight of being a woman. Just today I had a conversation with a man. He stated that I was ignorant. Why? Why was I ignorant? Am I ignorant because I stated that the ONLY way this oppression of women is going to change is when men change? Am I ignorant because I stated facts about how most of the offenders of domestic violence are men? His response is that women shouldn’t stay. How about people keep their hands to themselves?! Is that such a radical idea?! Clearly it is. But! That is not what I want this entire post to be about.
Men don’t care about women. Most of the organizations to stop child abuse, domestic violence and rape are started by women. It is should not be women’s job to combat crimes that we at large do not commit. Why do rape victims have to be the ones to stop men from raping?! Why do child abuse survivors have to be the ones to try and put a stop to child abuse?! Where are all the men who scream “NOT ALL MEN”?!? Where are their organizations or social movements to stop men from being the grand offenders of women, children and even other men?! I’m sure there are some but clearly not enough. Too many men are ok because ya know they aren’t at risk of getting raped for walking home alone. They aren’t at risk of their male boss threatening to fire them if they don’t go on a date with them. They don’t have to worry about why their brother in law, who seems nice is trying to get them alone. Men only care about an issue when if affects them. Take a look at viagra. If viagra said they would stop production I could guarantee that there would be nationwide protests. God forbid their penises don’t work🙄. Some men only want to care about women when it affects their child or mother. For some they never care. It shouldn’t take the birth of a female child for a man to suddenly respect women and their bodies.
The issue is that too many men don’t see women as completely human. It’s shown by the way women in general are the biggest abuse victims and men the biggest perpetrators. The way men dismiss our struggles. The way men call men who acknowledge our struggle weak. It’s all in how anytime a man of power is accused of rape, we immediately say the women are lying. You don’t have to abuse women to not care about women and men don’t realize that.
Some women give birth and their bodies return to pre baby shape. By that I mean they don’t have saggy or wrinkled stomachs. For some reason that wrinkly stomach is the most telltale sign of pregnancy and childbirth. It is also the reason for a lot of insecurity and body shaming. The wrinkly stomach is often looked down upon as disgusting and unwanted. It is one of the most hated things about the postpartum body. Women pray they won’t have that stomach after giving birth. I was one of those women who hoped and wished! I just knew my stomach would return to normal. Nope! I’ve determined that was a lie! To my horror my stomach was wrinkly after one pregnancy and one baby. Each pregnancy after I would hope my skin would magically tighten again. My stomach is flat but the saggy skin still announces itself every time I take a shower or get undressed. At first it made me upset. It made me sad. It made me disappointed in my body. But why? We all know why! Women are painted in this image that isn’t reality. It’s a must be perfect or nothing society. We glorify women who bodies look unscathed by pregnancy while putting down those who bodies do what bodies do and change! We glorify the snap back. We say moms let themselves go after giving birth. The truth is, your body will change. It will NEVER be the same even if you “look” the same. Your internal organs have shifted. Your uterus and cervix have stretched to great lengths to house and birth your baby.
Once I got over the skin, life ran a bit smoother. I accepted the fact that my body will never look or be the same but that doesn’t mean that it’s any less beautiful or functional.
Serious question! Does he make you scream? Are you enjoying yourself during sex?!? I ask this because studies have shown that heterosexual women have less orgasms than gay men and women. We are out here LOSING in this orgasm game and it is down right shameful. Why are we having sex if we aren’t having orgasms? Now some women say it’s for the connection, yea, yea, I get that but doesn’t getting hot and bothered, bother you when he is the only one having an orgasm?!
Many women give in to the sexual wants of their man at the sacrifice of their own desires and pleasure. That has to be one of the main reasons why we have fewer orgasms than lesbians besides that men in general don’t know what they are doing when it comes to vaginal and clitoral stimulation. Too many think inserting a penis will make you gush with pleasure( major eye roll).
Now back to my question! If you are having sex and not enjoying yourself something has to change! Is stress causing you to not be able to fully relax? Is carrying most of the household on your shoulders making you want sleep more than sex? Is your partner’s lack of concern turning you completely off? Is your partner not able to keep up with your sexual appetite? Does he have erectile problems(he needs a dr!)?
When you lay down with your man you should be excited. It should not feel like a chore and if it does, y’all are doing it (or he is) all wrong. Have sex when you are in the mood. Never in the mood? Find out what would help you enjoy sex more. Sex should be enjoyable for you! You as a woman deserve a full and fabulous sex life. Don’t settle for bad sex while your mate is having the time of his life. Teach him how to please you, so he can make you scream😃
There was a point in time where I thought “no way I can ever be more tired than I am now!” This was said when I was in high school and when I joined the rowing team in college. Waking up at 4 am everyday was a breeze compared to motherhood. Motherhood is a BEAST and is not for the weak. I am starting to believe that emotional and mental labor tire the body more than actual physical labor! Raising children can be very taxing and rewarding at the same time. It takes a lot of mental energy to help regulate emotions and guide children all while not completing loosing your shit everyday (it’s ok to loose it sometimes and cry in the bathroom, no one is perfect🙃).
I wake up everyday and immediately get the ball running. I hop up! Most times my Afro is stuck to my head but hey!! I start breakfast, feed the dog and then take him out for his morning walk. After that, I’m back in the house feeding kids, playing and starting my morning cleaning routine before we start a homeschool activity. In between those things I try to drink a cup of coffee so that I’m not falling asleep by 12pm. Coffee is a must! I don’t care what anyone says lol. After 12 I let the kids watch a movie so that I can do some laundry, fold clothes, put fat baby down for a nap and get started on lunch and dinner. By 4 pm I’d like to crawl in my bed but that’s not going to happen. By 7pm I’m at my mental capacity and that is when it’s time to start winding down and get ready for bed. By 7pm I’ve been up for 12 hours and been tending to children for 12 hours. I’ve heard my namehh called 100 times. I’ve picked up toy after toy and made meal after meal on top of making sure everyone stays alive and is well cared for.
My brain is non stop thinking. My anxiety doesn’t help. The mental load of being a mom can be exhausting in itself. We are constantly thinking about other people, our children (as we should) all while trying to do everything that needs to be done to keep the house running smoothly.
Moms are tired! We need rest! Don’t ask me or any mom why we are tired especially if you don’t have children. Naps are required and mandatory if you ask me🤷🏽♀️
Take a break mama! Read a book or run out the damn door once your partner or babysitter arrives. A short walk can wake you right up because your mind won’t be running on overdrive.
People almost seem insulted when a black woman is tending to her children. If you aren’t the stereotypical black mother who beats her kids to death and calls them everything under the sun, I’m here to let you know everyone is going to have an issue with your parenting, even other black folks. It’s quite sad. My children have acted out in public several times and by acting out I mean crying. Now crying is normal for children but for some strange reason people think children aren’t supposed to cry. Some people even think toddlers and infants cry to manipulate people. Let that sink in. Now this is where it gets great. I’m a sahm and usually when I’m out with the kids I’m around other sahm’s and I’m also the only black parent. Yay!!🙄. For some reason whenever my child or children get fussy I can feel eyes staring holes into my back. I often look around to see parents staring at me, waiting for me to spank my child. When I respond calmly or ignore the behavior and leave the area, shock is all across everyone’s face. To see a black mother love on her children confuses folks. It makes them uncomfortable because it shatters the stupid thoughts they willfully believe. For some reason these people don’t understand that black people are not monolithic.
Being a good black mother is revolutionary because we are supposed to be incapable of raising anything other than thugs and whores. When you hug your crying baby you are doing something you are not supposed to. When you respond to conflicts with love and gentleness, instead of a belt you are doing something ground breaking. When you speak life and positivity into your children, the world just might split. When you don’t publicly shame your child on social media, you my dear, are changing the world. Haven’t you noticed how many negative parenting is often met with such high praises but a black mother being there and standing for her children is seen as her raising weak children. Encouraging your child to apply to multiple colleges and excelling and getting accepted is seen as “obnoxious”. It’s viewed this way because society cannot accept nor believe that there are good black mothers. That the majority of us are good mothers. When you don’t fit into the box of negativity you are attacked and threatened.
Society seems to believe that good black mothers are mythical creatures. Very rarely are whole black families praised, even rarer, black mothers who openly love their children. We are often portrayed as single(another myth), evil, violent towards our children and emotional unavailable to the point that all our children join gangs. The truth is most black mothers are some of the most supportive mothers in earth. We tackle racism and sexism and still find a way to raise phenomenal children who grow into phenomenal adults.
Ever so often I run into people who think that being a mom is the end of life goals and aspirations. I hear things like “oh you’re a mom, you should just focus on your kids”, I was even told once that if me and my partner broke up I should not date or do anything other than work and raise my children. I’ll be honest, that was some of the worst advice I have ever heard and I think it’s complete bullshit. See, the thing for me is, motherhood is NOT enough. If I solely focused on only my children I would loose my damn mind. Staying home with my kids everyday is enough to drive me insane most days. Raising children can be overwhelming a lot of the time. It is ludicrous to expect a mother to subject herself to having absolutely no life goals or desires outside of loving, caring and providing for her children. Now don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom but I need to be a mom AND have a purpose for my life outside of my children. I need to have something that will keep me going after they have left for college or move out.
When I speak of projects I’m working on or collaborations I have been chosen for, I am often met by deaf ears. I’m asked how will I have time for that and it’s been suggested that I don’t worry about any of my personal wants or goals. This is an extremely unhealthy and toxic mindset to have. This idea that mothers have to be martyrs is detrimental to our sanity. Self care takes many shapes and having a life outside of being a mom is crucial self care. Sadly this is preached to many of us by older generations who Sacrificed their personhood while raising children. That was common back then but mothers of 2018 have decided that motherhood is not enough and that is ok. It ok to not just be a mom! It is ok to NOT want to hang out with your kids every single waking moment of every single day. It’s ok to want to pursue higher education, start a business, and work on projects that set your soul on fire all while raising your children. In fact I personally believe that children need to see that mothers are complex humans who are capable of loving and providing for their children while also fulfilling their own desires and needs. Children should not see mom so exhausted and bored with life because she has succumbed to society’s expectation of once a mother your dreams die. So moms if you were looking for permission to live the life you want, you have it! Go live your life as the best mother and woman you can be! Start that business! Start that website! Join the gym! Enroll in a class! Write down all your goals and aspirations and start working on them TODAY. Break the cycle. Reclaim your womanhood and personhood. Woman first, mother second.